Just in these past few moments as I have reflected on the past few weeks, I am realizing how gracious the Lord has been to me in allowing me to still be a part of so many people’s lives. Just this past week alone, so many friends have sent me messages of great depth and encouragement. God is doing things in so many people’s lives and I am able to see and hear those things. I feel like I am sitting in a very interesting place where people feel they can tell me things and I am able to spend time praying for them and encouraging them. It is such a blessing honestly, to be removed and sit back and see and hear the length and the breadth of God’s provision for people and especially for my friends as I am unable to be there for them.
Wow… I am reading through the Bible in 90 days (it’s been like 7 or something) and I am reading it in order chronologically, which is awesome. I am loving it. Granted, the building of the Tabernacle and the requirements that are being given to the consecration of the people are somewhat tedious… it just reveals so much to me. The past few days have been all about the Law and about how much goes into the obedience required of the Israelites. Then yesterday (during my weekly “church” service) I was listening to a sermon from Grace Bible about the glory of God. Brian spoke so much about the law versus grace and the freedom we have been given in Christ.
I think that is what I am learning about so much right now. Not just grace that I live within, but the grace that God established through sending Jesus. The world is so blinded to the Truth. Absolutely blinded (I mentioned this in that email two weeks ago). But when you see cathedral, after cathedral, and every person that passes trying to appease their God by paying penance… it breaks my heart. You hear the people around you completely turned off to anything they associate with religion and church because they’ve been burned so bad. Or you hear the extreme from my roommate Teryn about almost a lack of interest in the lives of the others on our trip…
That is something I need to express. I have been trying to figure her out… just realizing that a lot of the things I have said over the past few weeks about Jesus, her not responding or having very odd responses to. The majority of the conversations, either I initiate them or they revolve around the “ridiculousness” of the others in our group. The problem is that often times the things that are assumed funny about others are actually the effects of deeply rooted problems in their lives.
Yesterday I decided to try to understand more of the big picture from her perspective.
Kimberly: “Do you think you will be friends with these people after this trip?”
Teryn: “No… I mean not like fly out to see them kind of friends… more like, write on their walls on their birthday kind of friendships. I just don’t really see the point in investing in friendships that I know won’t last.”
Kimberly: “What do you view as the reason for relationships in general? From acquaintances, to best friends, to family… why have them?”
Teryn: “I guess to hang out and stuff. And my family is there, so I guess I just keep them and have them as a part of my life.”
Kimberly: “What do you see as the ultimate reason for your being here? Like how do measure success from this trip?”
Teryn: “I guess bettering my conversational Spanish. So I guess I would measure it by if I can speak better.”
This conversation almost shocked me… I am beginning to realize how closed off and extremely personal her faith is. This is very hard for me… who believes in living very openly with all people. I found myself starting to judge her and get really frustrated with her. We spend a lot of time together, and often times she does not want to hang out with the others much. She tends to keep to herself in groups, not trying to get to know people… thus the answer to the relationship question.
When I got home, I was realizing how frustrated I was getting with her… a feeling which I have definitely felt before with people. Typically, my response is that passive-aggressive b-otch who tries to get her way… I sat down to read The Divine Conspiracy and it was so good to me. How condemning I can be to people when they aren’t in the “right” according to my standards. I don’t feel like we are at a point in our friendship where she respects my opinion, something I’ve picked up by her lacking to ever ask my opinion or what I think about things. I know that had I said something to her, I would have been a jerk and it would not have gone well…
“What we are actually doing with our proper condemnations and our wonderful solutions, more often than not, is taking others out of their own responsibility and out of God’s hands and trying to bring them under our control.” (p. 253)
What do I take from this? I am learning so much about how to love people, in the moment, for who they are, according to the way God sees them. I think the coolest part of this, are the situations I am getting with people just to ask them about themselves and about life… they love it. I mean who doesn’t like having attention. It is just so clear how much these people are starved for love and starved to feel unique and appreciated.
My contentment, my satisfaction, my confidence, my acceptance, is found in the Lord. Christ is everything to me. EVERYTHING. He is the reason I breathe. He is the reason I engage in relationships, for that is who He is… a lover of people, a compassionate, personal, patient, encouraging Savior, who redeemed my life from the pit. The things that the Israelites were required to abide by have all been appeased through the blood of Jesus Christ.
I believe that. With all that I am. Not because I see Him doing crazy awesome things, like changing 200 lives at a time… but because it is True and it is the only source of Life that I not only know but also feel here.
Smash mentioned once about how in China she could feel the darkness of the Buddhist temples. It’s not the constant presence of evil that I feel (though I have felt that on this trip, and it makes life so much more thick), but rather it is the ever-present feeling of life and peace that rests in my soul.
I definitely have a lot of questions… a lot.
And I am learning how to lay them at Jesus’ feet. I feel alone a lot. Like when I hurt for the people on my trip. Yet there is freedom for me to talk, maybe not be understood, but heard. I am praying for Teryn and I… that something would stir in her and she would see the purpose and benefit of investing in people, who cares if there is only 80 days left, there is eternity at stake. I am learning patience and the timing of the Lord… and yet what it means to be purposeful in conversations with people and really seek others out. Whatever that looks like.
I am so grateful for friendships, for people who choose to share with me in the midst of their busy lives. It is the small glimpse of community that makes me realize the beauty of Christ created the Body of believers for. We were created for community… I miss that, for it is not right. I hope that all who know me know that their investing in me are what is keeping me sane a lot at times. God is so good to provide for me consistently with the love and encouragement of my fellow brothers and sisters.
“For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and death.” John 8:2
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