journal #1 of forge

Ok Lord.

I don’t know where to start. thank you. Thank you for bringing me here. thank you for the peace and rest in knowing you desire good things for your people. I’m tired, help me to remember what you’ve done this week. I constantly feel like holding back tears and I’m not really sure why. I’m tired of fighting the same battles. I’m tired of the same thoughts keeping me stuck here. Lord I pray for freedom, for wholeness. Thank you for this place, for these people at this time. Thank you for your patience.

On Sunday we went to Charles’ forge to watch and learn how to make usable tools. Hopping into the two 15 passenger vans we drove to a renaissance park and got there around 5ish. We all sat in this little shed on wooden benches and tree stumps around an outdoor fireplace with stones surrounding the forge. We took turns pumping the air to fuel the fire and placing the steel in the fire and then pulling it out once it was glowing to then hammer and shape the steel into some sort of blade.

Charles defined a forge for us as a hole with fuel in it that you pour air into and the faster you pump the air, the hotter it gets.

Some key truths:
1. there will be something happening in the fire pot you can’t see
2. silicon is an impurity which melted down turns into glass and sits on the bottom of the forge blocking the fire and the clinker breaks these pieces up. The impurities affect the environment.
3. know your limitations if going into a craft
4. If you leave the steel in there too long it will break in half, the smaller piece of steel heats quicker and cools faster
5. The tools Charles used started out as a piece of junk (motorcycle chain can be made into a small knife) were then made into beautiful, useful tools.
6. When beating the heated steel it was either going to go around itself or break off. Steel moves away from the hammer, from the pressure until it makes a complete circle.

what does the forge mean to me personally?
I feel as if I’m just getting out of the fire, out of the hardening, the beating, and just want relief in the water and to kill mosquitoes. I see the process of refinement so clearly laid out in watching a blacksmith make his tools. It’s so painful. I’m afraid of feeling that kind of pain again. I fear I won’t ever be a tool for you because I fear that pain would return. Charles said that if you beat steel too much or heat it too quickly and depending on whether it’s high or low carbon you could ruin the steel and it would be un-usable. I fear that has already happened. I know it’s not true but at the same time it’s still silicon thoughts at the bottom of my heart. You put me once into the fire to the point where the pain made me question whether I could live another day. You put me in an environment much like hell. So aware of sin and impurities blocking You from entering in. You allowed me to see the impurities all around me. I didn’t understand why you were hurting me or what was you and what was the enemy. I still don’t understand. So I hardened. I tried to distance myself from you, and from people just so I would feel nothing. Then came the beating. You put me in an environment of people who you would use to rub against me and come close to push up against me as they spoke truth and pointed the lies I believe of my blacksmith’s intentions. Then you brought me to a place of relief. The past 8 months moving me to Austin to rest and cool from the fire. I think of all that’s happened in the past year and a half and think that’s probably just the tip of the steel slowly forming into a blade. It still looks like a piece of junk, but it’s just a little more pointed and by the point you’re beginning to see what kind of blade it will be. If all of that we just went through was just the point I don’t even know what the rest of this process would be like. So I wait in the bucket of water trying to convince myself that I could be content just killing mosquitoes when I know my Blacksmith has something more in mind. I want to follow and trust You, but I don’t think I can go into the fire again. Father, do what you will.

We were talking in the van driving back yesterday how we already feel like we’re learning so much more than we can process and it’s only orientation. Thank you for waking me up and walking with me in the mornings. Thank you for letting me live here with these people. There are several one liners I want to remember and conversations that have spoken truth to me.

Convo #1: On Saturday the alumni girls told us at the end of the program they didn’t feel like they knew what they were called to do, but they did know who they were and so in whatever they did they were able to do it well.

Convo #2: Mrs. Farrar, “I taught them everything I know, but nothing of eternity” I have so many questions with this. If you’re a teacher in a public school you can’t speak of Christ, but do you break the rules because of this life or death matter needs to be heard? Do you do something ministry related so you have the freedom to speak of Christ, but then do you get stuck in fellowship? If you go into business you’ll have those opportunities to share, but then there are so many obstacles—and I don’t want to spend anytime on doing meaningless tasks, but is that just a messed up perspective. Do everything unto the Lord. Grocery shopping can be pursuing Christ as much as preaching the gospel to a stranger?

Convo #3: Mario Zandstra, “my mistakes don’t disqualify me from ministry” I don’t want to end up in the same place I was. I want to remember the freedom of idealism and not cautiously tip-toeing around breaking rules. It feels as if I’m make-believing that I’m something more, but I know I have already disqualified myself. Yank these lies out, Abba.

Convo #4: Talking with Jack-Jack about his girlfriend over lunch. In the past two weeks I’ve heard a guy I didn’t know say the defining factor in dating a girl has been her confidence. I have never heard that explained in this way and have been thinking a lot about this. I have viewed confidence as pride in abilities and overly-independent, but maybe my view of confidence is off. I have no confidence in myself, in my abilities, in my heart, in my thoughts. But we do have confidence that Christ is enough to cover these failures and present us pure, holy, blameless. I keep thinking of love your neighbor as you love yourself. Why even have as you love yourself? It’s almost to say that you can’t love someone else until you love yourself. I don’ love myself. How does the gospel get so far from me? Jack was saying that she knows she’s beautiful and when he tells her she is, he believes him and it makes pursuing her so much easier. He said all he wants her to do in the relationship is to respond to how he treats her. That’s it. If all of life is lived well fueled from the source of love, then it is just us responding to God’s love toward us. We pray because He cares for us, we study His words because He has written His law on our hearts, we serve because he served us. Anything outside of a response is fleeting and in vain.

Convo #5: Kevin East, “get up and lead your people” We don’t get up because we fear the pain that comes in following Christ. I need to get up. Do I just get up and get going and is thinking about the past dwelling on what is done or is that part of healing and learning from mistakes so you can move forward? Is that why I’m here?

Convo #6: Lauren Gomez and I were talking in the van to the Ferrar’s about how expressing all the mud we’ve been through can be something we want identity in of itself. Am I holding onto “look what I’ve been through” because I pride in it and it sets me apart from Christian mug/t-shirt world? Forgive me. How do I close the door to the past, but not so it just gets buried and isn’t sucked of truth learned in order to move forward?

Convo #7: Recruiter training. I was having trouble breathing at one point. In grading people as A+ to B- and not understanding how they grade. An A+ person is someone who is wow personality and shows no major weaknesses. I don’t understand. When do we choose leaders based on the qualities given to us in 1 tim 3 of what an overseer needs to possess in order to lead and when do you choose the unlikely, weak to lead the strong in order that the power of the Spirit is magnified. Do we aim to work on our abilities to be good speakers, good time-managers, snazzy programs, efficient planners and conversationalists or do we devote ourselves to stirring our affections and put those who stutter, don’t have eloquent speech on stage and then we pray and the power of God is that much more magnified?

Miscellaneous Convos with the girls: We talked about our biggest fear being deceived and Lauren and b-ritt talked about how they didn’t agree with Bryan Maclaren and Rob Bell. I asked why and still don’t have any answers. I remember at A&M how sick my heart got because of how much I talked. I talked so arrogantly as if I knew and would find myself talking more about You than I did to You. I am so cautious around Christians and find myself constantly sizing whether motives and I hate it. I want to trust people, but I don’t even trust myself. Give me love. Lord motivate me by love and not fear.

Three different times a roomie has said fear is not from God. I don’t know if I believe that anymore. You say perfect love casts out all fear, but what of the time when you killed Ananias and Saphiras because they did not bring their full offering and fear spread throughout the church and you used fear among your people to advance the gospel?

Talking with the roommates reminds me of how I was so in love with You Lord. How I could spend hours alone in fields and parks just sitting still with you. I miss that. I miss just believing. Now I have so many questions and am testing everything before I can believe you. I am questioning your character and that is a scary place to be. I need answers..maybe that’s not the point, but at least bring some sort of resolve so I can truly meet with you again. If this really is all true-that you are God, You are Creator of all things and we disobeyed your laws so the punishment is death. But you wouldn’t have it because of your love for us. So you came as a baby in a virgin, lived as a carpenter and then was put to death and rose from the dead so all the debt of our sin is paid. All you require of us is to believe you are who you say you are, but you choose us then what of those who you aren’t chosen. I know this is something no one knows the answer to, but if I don’t get salvation then how the hek do I get anything else you say. Romans 8-11 is pretty clear that you choose who you want to choose to give you ultimate glory, but what kind of glory is that? If you choose people for hell because it shows us you have ultimate authority and power and we are utterly helpless but remember your mercy, your compassion. This just changes so much of how I see you. How do I even begin to share the gospel and speak of your love for the world when I have to tell the whole truth and the whole truth is Jesus loves you, but you may be screwed because you may not be chosen and there’s nothing you can do about it.

It’s too terrible. So I try to figure other ways around it. I train my mind to not think of it because if this is true I wouldn’t be able to put one foot in front of the other. Please don’t let it be true. Please Lord tell me I’m not understanding right. Please tell me you’ll save this world. Please tell me there’s second chances. Please tell me your grace extends more than I can see. Just as the Israelites mis-interpreted the way in which their Messiah would come and the way in which He would establish his Kingdom, let us new-testament believers mis-interpret the way in which you will save your people.

test everything. hold on to the good.

I know You are good and all You do is good.
I know You are good and all You do is good.