running in circles... Kristen's journal thoughts.

Oh Father,

I come before your throne and am reminded of the tiny-ness of my life. Thank you for showing me that YOU are huge, that You alone are worthy of all glory.

Jesus thank you also that you know me even better than I know myself. And... you still love me and long for me to seek you.

I come before you frustrated. In so many ways, and not always in bad ways. I bring these before you knowing that you already know them. I just need to voice them and understand myself.
I'm frustrated that I feel so awkward and vulnerable, so in between, so "new" to the world yet never wanting to be "old" to it.
I'm frustrated that I have to work. I selfishly don't like that most of my days now are spent in fluorescent lighting and button up shirts, I'm frustrated that I feel like I need to just "grow up" and get over it. I'm frustrated that most of my time is spent at the office, and I don't have free time to do things I feel like I enjoy.
I'm frustrated that I'm not really nurturing or teaching or pouring out to anyone, especially someone young or young believers or even non-believers. This is partially because I have made no efforts and partially because of circumstances. I miss that. I miss YI, France...
I'm frustrated with comparisons to other people's lives my age, with young adults in Dallas, with singleness. It seems like when I look around here I am the only one messed up and everyone else is going about their business perfectly. I always thought when I got to this point, I would be making these decisions with someone else.
Most of all, Father, I'm so frustrated with myself, that I can't just figure out life and "handle" these frustrations and see how you are working through them. I desperately want to completely surrender to you. I'm frustrated that lately I've felt paralyzed by the overwhelming-ness of it all. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions, and at the same time I know you aren't changing.

Jesus, you never change. Thank you. My words of praise and thanks just seem so meager.

THANK YOU that your blessings and providence are always greater than my frustrations.

I praise you for who you are, for inviting me to join in your intimate love. THANK YOU for little things, for "never leaving or forsaking me" from the moment you entered my life. Ever.
You have given me a place here, with these people at work, in my apt, in Dallas, for a reason. Help me to see that and trust. It's not clear to me now. It's not exactly what I would have pictured, but thankfully You have already ordained my days.

I get frustrated with so many things easily when I'm not in your Word, eating your words eagerly for sustinence, letting you breather life into me. Jesus how forgetful I am of you grace. It makes me sick.

Jesus I know you are testing me and want me to cling to you and obey. How can I be obedient in the little daily things? How can I actively pursue You and love your people in the midst of 9-5 days and traffic and busy-ness? Show me, and help me to obey.

I'm so scared of doing it all wrong. I'm scared of losing encouragement and sliding down into comfort and complacency and TV and money and starting to justify all my sins. Jesus, I long and yearn for community of people near me to be the body.
I get frustrated with my roommates and that fact that sometimes we don't seem like-minded. I blame it on myself and also find myself judging them. Where's the line between judging and holding accountable? Jesus they love you. Help us to really sharpen each other.

I praise you for the bonzai roommates. I am realizing more and more how you powerfully used our year together to begin huge change in me. You have refined me through their friendships. Thank you that we are all where you want us to be, and that we can encourage each other from where we are. I selfishly long for us to be re-united soon.

Thank you for how encouraging my sisters and family have been lately. May I never take them for granted. Deepen and strengthen our relationships.
Thank you for Evan's friendship. Thank you for the way he challenges me, help me to encourage him.
I praise you for my France friends reunion soon, in less than 2 weeks. And that i'll get to spend several weeks with Heather soon. May it be a sweet time of community.

Jesus I repent of the times I daily forget the immeasurable grace you give and instead focus on stupid things. You desire all of me, every minute of my day. Even at work Jesus, continue to show me ways I can love my co-workers and deepen relationships, and stop compartmentalizeing my life.

Show me areas where I am not saying, Jesus you can have it all. I want to live by Your Spirit alone and stop trying to be so dang self-sufficient.

Jesus continue to grow a desire to be a prayer warrior, to spend intimate time daily with you on my knees. To pray for those who are blinded, for dear friends, and for your kingdom to be advanced so your glory will be fully revealed. Lead me to prayer instead of filling time with wasted things. Lead me to your word.

"Be still and know that I am God; I WILL BE exalted among the nations, I WILL BE exalted among the earth." May I be still and know you, SO THAT you may be more known in my life. Not so I can justify being still, being lazy, being unmoved. Compel me, sweet Jesus. May I embrace this crazy time in my tiny life. Show me in the daily ups and downs that I belong to your mission here.

You are worthy. Renew and transform my mind daily, and give me faith to believe that you will, and that you are.