fire.

one night in france this summer, we hiked up to an overlook and had a nice campfire. after a little talk, we sat around, staring at the fire, thinkin, talkin, you know, french style. as i sat there and was fascinated with the huge fire burning, staring at it, i noticed this pretty branch right close to the fire. it wasn't on fire though, but it was hot, and it was close. the flames went all near it, but it stayed fire-less.

i'm not usually one to connect things like this, but it just really made me realize something about myself. sometimes i feel like i hear about Jesus, and learn about Jesus, and talk about Jesus, and watch other people experience Jesus... but I'm not truly living with Jesus, burning for Jesus. I'm not just talking about feeling and emotions, but truly burning deeply with love Jesus came and died for us with. Most of my life, i've been a mediocre lukewarm Christian, you know... the kind God says he wants to spit out of his mouth. I understood that God was mighty and loved me when I was young, but I never truly fell, I never truly understood my need for grace, until the past couple years.

I say all this because... Since I've been in Dallas, everything inside of me has just been unsettled. I question everything. I wonder about every decision I make. I question a lot of friendships. I feel the Spirit inside me more than I ever have before. I hear the conviction and the words of the Lord very strongly. Yet, sometimes I also feel trapped and alone and afraid to truly do even simple things that God is calling me to. For awhile, I've been frustrated and overwhelmed and asking God if I can just go back to having an easy life. He's showing me that even though this might be hard, he wants to do radically different things with me than I could have ever imagined. I don't even fully understand what that is yet, but through little things he is challenging every inmost part of me. He wants me, us, to be the living breathing Church that He left here.

Every day, I am reminded of my sin so much it hurts. I feel broken, vulnerable, and awkward. I realize my need for grace more than ever before. Pray, that I would listen, and be obedient. Pray that I would live in His love, and not be afraid. Pray that people would be put around me to love with agape love. Pray that God would not stop stirring this restless Spirit within me. It's hard, but I know that it will be good.

I miss you all deeply. Love you.
root

ps - my australian friend heather is here. she is actually in the states until december, staying with me off and on. pray that God would use her here to encourage me and the roomies. she really wants to do some ministry through my church. sweet huh.