i don't know how to post all this..ideas?

October 12, 2008
Dad just called 10 am said he was hesitant, but concerned about the covenant and that I would be hurt by legalism again

Phil 4:8 Dwell on these things, focus on hitting crooked tree to the right and not “don’t hit it in the water, don’t hit it in the water”
Bring mom oj in the bathroom, mornings where I didn’t feel like doing it and sometimes when I wanted to throw it at her. But I covenanted to serve her.
the man sitting at the door of the harlot is searching for God-the urges aren’t bad. He has this desire for intimacy but doesn’t know how to get there. Reason why he designed sex. If it was just for reproduction I believe Paul and Jesus would have got married. Eph. Man and wife’s intimacy is kind of intimacy he wants with us.

don’t covenant to not look at pornography but covenant to be emotional connected to men.
women and romance of novels, lusting for a prince.
abstain so that we re-direct.

Men sexually acting, research shows men’s acting out negatively correlates(not cause and effect, more of a factor) with their intimacy with other men. More emotional men were intimate,less sexually acting out.

2Sam1:26 David is lamenting the death of Jonathan, your love is better than any love of women.

Lauren doesn’t watch movies what is she going to do instead with these desires.


October 2
is this some sort of hoax? they’re all saying the same thing. you have walls, you keep people arms distance, you don’t trust. you need to learn to trust. what the hekkity hek..take a minute. take a minute. just a minute. just one minute. just a minute. breathe. help me out what are you even doing heree. I can’t stand being here any minute longer. As soon as I get to a certain level with people. I’m done because I don’t want them to find out how unimpressive I am. or how dark. we’re all the same. I don’t even trust myself.


Thank you that there’s more. there’s freedom and hope. There’s room to grow. This is of the enemy and I pray you take it away right now.

I’m a girl. I desire to be married. I desire to be loved and pursued. I desire to be beautiful and pleasing to a man. I desire to be cherished and honored. Lord please satisfy these desires with yourself. You have given me all these things. I so long to be with You. I so long to know what it feels like to be satisfied in You. You are mine. Capture my heart. Lord, capture my heart. I am worth it. I am worth fighting for. Beauty for ashes. Take this heart of stone and make it yours. trading all that I have for all that is better. You are the greatest taste. You are better. so much better. satisfy us so much with You. Lord show me it’s you. make my heart desire You. Make my heart beat faster for you. Be in john and hannah’s convo, push them closer to you. Make us more like you. Guide Lauren. Give her a spirit of rest. Lord help her to rest in You. Lord guide you are mighty to save. You take control of all my relationships. You teach me to love. Lord fill me with love.

You, Perfect Maker. Maker of music, of falling in love, of tears, of friendship, of color, of light, of night, of time, of trees springing from the dirt. Of love, of hope, of rest, of breath, of fingers, of solar systems, of invisible axis, of languages, and skin, and culture, of joy, of pain. You designed a world with people with humans who think and feel and live and die. We took your gifts and worshipped them and worshipped ourselves. You are holy. You are just. You commanded and we disobeyed. We suffer death.

September 30, 2008
I don’t have an identity. Can’t dance, can’t paint, can’t sing, can’t play an instrument, can’t be comfortable in my own skin, can’t play sports, can’t write, can’t create, can’t lead, can’t serve. I’m just average. I’m not really good at anything. I don’t really have a particular skill. Not good-looking, not that smart. I don’t have anything to offer. I have nothing that I excel in. I feel large. Maybe if I lose weight I’d feel better about myself. Maybe if my face was clearer. show me where my keys are. I am so tired. I want to exalt myself. she’s got the moves and she’s trying. who freaking cares? you’re being dumb. I wish I didn’t eat those things. I wish I didn’t care what people thought. I wish I was more self-controlled. I wish I was myself. I wish I was confident. Lord make me confident. not in myself, but in you. Who I am is enough because I am in You. my stomach hurts. I need a fresh start. No more sweets. people won’t like you and that’s ok. remind me what it’s like to be whole. make me new. make me new. make me new. redeem places lost.

Oct 1, 2008
Thank you for the keys. It was so good to drive and get away for a little bit today and think. You have given me so much. Make my heart see you, follow you. I confess my discontent and greed. I’ve been wanting more. More money, more direction, more deep connection. I want people to think I’m impressive. I want people to think I’m funny. I want to be prettier. smarter. more athletic. I want more glory. Forgive me Father.

Driving in the car with the sun, the pine trees in perfect upright rows and air so clear. I realized that was enough. That was enough of a gift I couldn’t ask for anything more. I long to know truth, but lack the follow through. Motivate me Abba.

who do you say that I am? Lord put in us a care for one another. Lord make our hearts care. Make our hearts love. thanks you Lord. Create in me a grateful heart.

open
there is room to open, free let it go sweet child grown old carrying heavy wounds. remember who you are. remember the name I gave you on that still afternoon. remember stillness. remember my voice. you are free. give me word. give me a word I haven’t heard. a word that’s not been raped of purity. please. speak. speak fully speak to make me whole.

she will be young. hope lost in pines fallen softly so softly
behind her ears among the stares of forests alive
faithfully bringing her in to covenants held high
and love opened wide.
she trusts him
she trusts him
he leads her gently, closely
she sees his quiet strength
she dances each step in response to his
he speaks tenderly she believes the words he hums
“you are mine, you are mine
feel my hand on your chest
trust the whispers I speak,
you are mine, you are mine”

you will fare weathered years, tarry in darkest hours, but you will not fall. remember the hand on your chest. the love in your ears. remember your way home to me. remember the stillness. sip my whispers in desert lands. you have brought beautiful light. carry breeze in your feeble lungs. breathe me in. I am in you. you are in me. together we live.

father draw near. I want to remember what it’s like to be near. to trust. enlarge my heart. steal me away in every moment. give me new eyes. open my eyes to things unseen. show me yourself. Jesus. Be more than a word. quiet my lips. quiet my heart.

repair.

October 2
It’s now Thursday. Thank you for this day. Abba. Thank you for the freedom to study your word. For the freedom to live. To live in seeking you. Lord let my thoughts not be of me. But of You. You are beautiful. Please Abba make me see you in all things today. Lord give Chance money. Give him peace. Lord soften Jimbo. slow him down. Thank you for Sarah and Chris. Lord give me more opportunities to preach you to the Lord. Thank you for Adam asking me to preach the gospel to him. Make that happen today. Free me from trying to impress, from exalting self, from jealousies, from vanity, from gossip, from trying to make a name, for judgments, for selfishness and greed. Free me from these things. will you make me pure again. Make my heart pure. Thank you for Haleigh and I’s convo last night. And for Jimbo and Chris. For Jimbo cutting up and for the convo that came out of that. Thank you for again using sin for good and for glory. I have nothing to offer but my sin, but You bring glory and honor to Your name. You create languages, you create different beings, personalities.

Unify as one family. Refine us. Lord teach us to love as Christ. God you are our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains slip into the sea; though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. You, Lord of hosts are with us, You God of Jacob are our stronghold. Come, behold the works of the works of the Lord, who has wrought desolations in the earth. You make wars to cease to the end of the earth. You break the bow and cuts the spear in two; You burn the chariots with fire. I will cease striving and know that You are God. That You will be exalted among the nations, You will be exalted in the earth.

Satisfy me with your lovingkindness this morning. You are Lord of hosts and you are with us. You oh God of Jacob are our stronghold.

open my eyes to things unseen. Let me know You Abba. Let me believe your love for me. Let me see your face beaming at me. That I no longer live but Christ lives in me. To walk in the Spirit is death.

Prov 24:13-14 My son, eat honey, for it is good, Yes the honey from the comb is sweet to your taste; Know that wisdom is thus for your soul; If you find it, then there will be a future, and your hope will not be cut off..For a righteous man falls seven times and rises again.

Sept 28, 2008

OK. The peak of things getting hard. I think I may have allergies because my chest feels so heavy and can barely breathe, maybe it’s the pine trees. This weekend was exhausting. Be clear-minded and self-controlled so you can pray. I feel loud and anything but clear and controlled. Help me Abba. There is room for freedom. There is room for victory.

Why is everything such a struggle, such a fight. Even when I do good I question why I do good. Why I serve. I didn’t used to be this way. Maybe my prayers are too free. I should be praying psalms prayers so they are yours and not so selfish and vain. How can you do community without mission? what is mission?

I need you to save me from this fight against my image. Why won’t this go away? I don’t know how to pray this out. It got so bad today that I didn’t want to be around people. I feel disgusting. This isn’t right or healthy. Even if Robbie were to encourage or say I’m beautiful I would resist and feel even more gross. So I tried to fight with truth. Conveniently read 1 Peter, beauty comes from inner self that of gentle and quiet spirit. Crap. I don’t even have a gentle and quiet spirit. That’s not who I am and when I try to be that kind of woman I feel like a fake. Is it possible to be loved not on what I do or don’t do, but for who I am. Teach me to love others like that. I’m so embarrassed, Lord. I retreated by myself today and couldn’t even be around people. I was fighting this by myself tonight and all I knew to do was to go to bed and start over the next day. Then the scorpion, the screams and Britt and Lauren and I talked about struggling with body image and prayed. I feel so much stronger. Not free but stronger. Thank you for that scorpion and for their honesty. Thank you for community. Lord I hate sin. I hate petty thoughts that consume. You have given so much, why do I care what everyone sees me as? It’s sick.

Forgive me Lord and my thoughts. As a man thinketh so is he..
I’m struggling with John. I find myself wanting to please him more than others. My emotions are so out of control. I compare him to Robbie. I wish Robbie was more like him. I hate doing this. Take it away. This distracts me. Set my heart steadfast on you. Let me fall in love with you again.

Sept 29
Thank you for a new day. For new mercies.
Cast all your anxieties on Him for He cares for You.
I’m anxious of my thoughts today. Please protect me and cover me in your love today. Lord I pray over Britt and her office hour that you would speak truth into her and Matt would be discerning. I thank you for this place and for this time to learn. Lord please direct me. Lord thank you. Draw me closer to you. Let me fall deeper in love with you. Let us be your disciples. Let us be people who weep for the nations and who are not so wrapped up in ourselves. Lord I pray for Lauren that she would have a mind of eternity and you would free us both from what we look like and how others perceive us. Lord why am I here. Stir in us a passion for missions. Stir in us a passion for you. Show us how to love you and live for you. Set in me identity that is consumed by You. Thank you for the world around us. Lord give me peace. Lord help me to get done what I need to get done today. Lord set my heart on you Abba. On you and You’re glory. Let me be around new people. Abba I pray for openness and honesty in our group that we would confess sin and move forward. I feel stuck here. Lord move us forward. Let me gaze upon your beauty. Let me know You ABBa. Let Rachel find you. Be near to her. Reveal yourself to us. Show me Your glory. You’re grace is enough. How could I want anything else? You’re enough. Purify me with your word.

I am Yours and simply respond to Your love
to rest in the truth that I am Yours and to respond to your love.
I’m Yours and out of this divine love, you are magnified

September 21: WEEK #2
thank you. sigh. big sigh.
This week has been so so good. The tears finally came and hope finally stepped in.

Are you dead inside?
yes. I have been for a long long time..
It’s like you only have a little piece of you left and you’re doing everything you can to protect what’s left or you would lose everything.

living by the Spirit is death.

So much truth has been inserted into me this week. Abba, thank you for Your people. Thank you that I am your people. I feel my heart beating again. I feel myself dreaming. I feel hope lifting. You are God. You are love. You are patient. You are gentle. Every good gift is from You.

“No one has ever seen God, but if we love another, God lives in us and his love is made perfect in us.” 1 John 4:12

sept 13,
Praise the Lamb, I’m saved by grace. Praise God and praise the Lamb. Abba God thank you. My heart is bursting! Thank you for the Forge. Thank you for these men and women. Thank you for these moments. For praise and worship in the man cave house with Stephen playing the guitar. You have given us so much! Lord I know that a connection with another human is a gift from you. Thank you for the convo Jimbo about A&M and his church experience. Lord thank you for his heart. Thank you for who he is and how you’ve transformed him. Use him for great things. Let the words that come out of my mouth be edifying to you. Lord I pray over Stephen. I pray you would give him confidence in resting in his weaknesses and claiming You as Savior.
My God will Save the Day
He will take Away the pain
Forgive me for not believing. You are a God of promises. I do desire You more. Lord thank you for returning this joy. This joy of believing You as You are. Mallory. You answered that prayer right away. Thank you for our time sitting on our beds that we got to talk even just about boy stuff.

Out of this forge class would you send a group of us out to continue living in fellowship and fulfill roles of evangelists.

That wade would experience freedom in his sin and rest in your grace. You have given us more than we could have ever wanted. This program makes me nervous because it’s not about me making myself known, but that’s what I feel like doing. Lord I’m tired. Will you rest my soul. Rest and still my heart. I do desire you more. But I confess I don’t know if praying to you and reading about you is enough. You have given us each other and I’ve just been starved of this for so long that it’s so reviving of my soul. Be near oh God. Be near oh God. I can’t control others’ thoughts and perceptions. I was just trying to figure out how to do that with a blog for supporters. Remember what You have done. You restore all things to Yourself.

“Shout for joy, O daughter of Zion! Shout in triumph, O Israel! Rejoice and exult with all your heart, O daughter of Jerusalem! The Lord has taken away His judgments against You, He has cleared away Your enemies. The King of Israel, the Lord, is in your midst.” Zeph 3:14-15

Sept 14, Responding to God’s Promise
Avoid proud insistence on more evidence (1:18-20)

dif leaders
Observations:
people
matt
program
covenant time
ropes
bball
phone w/root
brush clear and matt
darcie convo
bathroom convo w/lauren
life together
1 peter
haleigh convo
identity in how I minister to people
Robbie
Lauren stand up


Week #3
September 23, 2008
My heart is shaking. It burns and is stuck in my throat in my ears. We just got done with covenant meeting and I could hardly breathe. I didn’t even hear what happened or what we decided on. I went into the meeting light-hearted and excited. Then Wade opened up the meeting relaying what Mario told him about getting a moderator for the group and to keep the main things the main things and don’t get caught in the details. So everyone agreed we needed a moderator. Micah raises his hand and says he doesn’t have to have an opinion and would be willing to be a moderator. Everyone seemed hesitant. So, John pops in and says we need someone who is not passive and he doesn’t want Micah to be the moderator because he is passive and hasn’t spoken up in the meetings. Micah says ok and completely shuts down and stares at the ground the rest of the time. Andrew says he feels like he is an objective person and will do it and so he does it and we proceed through the meeting. We get a lot done. We finish the media section. was tonight a success? I look around trying to find someone to make eye contact and for someone to speak up on Micah’s behalf. He is crushed and humiliated. Brittney catches my eye and she read me. My spirit was burning to speak up, but I thought it would only make matters worse or embarrass micah more. I don’t know when to speak and when to be silent and just pray. But in my silence I am sinning. I hate that this happened tonight. It’s happened before too. Lauren was so hurt as she opened up about how she refuses to watch movies, listen to certain music because it was such a struggle for her in messing with her identity and worth growing up. Ben shut her down and said no. No to limiting media, because media makes him relevant to the culture and enables him to share common ground with non-believers. Lauren told me she was hurt in how she opened up about a struggle and her brother shut her down as if he didn’t care and was holding on to his rights more than protecting her. She said that will change how she opens up in the future because she fears it will just be shut down. I took that message into my brain too as did the other girls. Wade said he was mad at Lauren for calling his question dumb, but at the same time she said we shouldn’t care what people think. People have been hurt and there is not reconciliation happening. Already I see these things poisoning our community. I asked if they would approach each other and tell them they were hurt by the other. But then is it my business? Yes it is. This affects the whole group and sets up patterns for how we function. We fear conflict so we compromise with whoever is loudest or angriest. This is not ok. But where is my place? It’s not between me but they did tell me. What else can I say besides go to them and tell them you’re angry. When are we going to see it’s not my sin and your sin, but our sin. what if we were so one that one falls, we all fall. One hurts we all hurt. One rejoices and we all rejoice. What happened tonight was not ok. I long for wisdom and discernment and not to act out of emotion, but when do you Spirit signal action through emotion?

Who Micah is is good. To say Micah is passive is to speak false identity into him. That’s not who Micah is. It may be a struggle but we are not defined by our weaknesses or our strengths or even our personalities. When are we going to see the kind of leaders God chooses. He chooses the weak. He chooses the poor speakers, timid, pagans, unbecoming people to lead the strong in order that His power is magnified in this person. We have this idea that leaders are strong, dominant, attention grabbing, good-looking people. How superficial have we become. It infuriates me. Micah is the exact type of person who Christ chooses to lead. If we exclude the “weak” we exclude Christ. Micah is willing. Micah serves well. Micah lays down his interests daily for the sake of his brothers. This is the kind of leader I desire to follow. What aches my heart is to see him crushed when this could have been an opportunity to empower him. If we only put the best communicators, strongest personalities as the leaders where is there room for God to do wonders and to see his power rested on our weaknesses. There was a better way to handle this. If we don’t allow each other to fail then how will we grow if it’s the same people leading. Who knows if Micah would not have been a great moderator. Who knows if the Spirit would not have empowered him to be great. this was wrong. what if we had said ok micah has volunteered does anyone else want to nominate themselves or another? Ok lets pray. Ok lets vote. Or lets pair two people together, but to cut micah down like that was detrimental and anything but empowering. Forgive us Lord.

After the meeting asked John if I could ask him a question. We stood outside and talked about these things. I am still shaking. But it went so well. He did not even realize how micah was hurt. I also see how good it is that John speaks boldly and makes decisions with confidence, but how you can run people over entirely. Human love is led by the dominant overpowering the weak and the weak being dominated.

Brittney and I prayed for Micah and John and for the boys as a house. My impulse is to run over and try to fix it and make sure they apologize and he’s ok, but I also know there’s a place to simply pray and trust You convict and You heal and You comfort. I just wish I knew when to speak, when to act, and when to be silent.

Mario was talking tonight about the economic crisis and how many ministries are laying people off. Lauren G and I both looked at each other and I knew she was thinking the same thing. What if our world is crashing? what if we as a group are preparing for more than 8 months, what if we will be fighting alongside each other past 8 months. Are the end times nearer than we think? Do we need to be on our faces in urgency for God to save all nations, for us to boldly proclaim Christ to those who are dying. Does the thought of someone forever in hell not rip us apart? Does it not spur us to act and to act quickly? This will not go away in me. Please bring me a partner. Someone who feels this urgency. Someone to run alongside with. I am too tired to go alone. Please let me meet someone with the gift of evangelism this week to speak encouragement to my bones. I’m tired. Am I wrong? Is it more about discipleship, or am I someone who is more run from village to village than church mobilizer? Let me run. send me Lord.

Thinking about dream job today:
2nd in command
outdoors
creative/costumes/crazy skits games
Spanish
preach gospel
counseling
leading a team
dreaming
spontaneity
writer
little to no admin
hospitality
teacher
bringing new people into a tight community
initiator and motivator

Mallory, Adam, and I talked about how we saw each other in the van today. I said Mallory was like colorful ribbons-playful, full of life, and adds flavor and color to her surroundings. And Adam was a American flag BBQ apron that says world’s greatest dad because he is just an all around great, well-rounded kind of guy, trustworthy, goofy humor, and stable. I was defined as flowers in a field or an old Volkswagen van because I’m easy-going, adventureous, lets get everyone excited about a dream and hippie-ish. I was encouraged by that because that is who I am in my core, but haven’t felt myself in so long and so much is being restored. Talking to a friend who was with me a lot in the depression stage said today that she noticed that I was back and that she missed me. She said you finally sound like mandi again and could hear hope and joy in my voice. Thank You Lord.

September 24, 2008
We woke up today for day 2 P2 training. Jeff led us in agilities and I’m still sore. I am ridiculously uncoordinated and was probably a little too ridiculous this morning. Andrew is a patient teacher. I was insecure with my inability to do it right. I practiced afterwards on my criss-cross skills and I’m already sore from lunges. I love working out in the mornings. But it’s hitting me feeling tired wise already. Take away distracting thoughts. Take away thoughts of other people and perceptions and of vanity. I’m not ok, but you are perfect and you live and make what I messily bring into something useful. How restful that is to know. I pride. I’m tired of pride. Purify me. You purify with your words and I’m excited to have that taken care of. Give me a desire for your Word. Today in chapel I sat next to Joanna, Amanda, and Stephanie. They kept saying comments about sitting by themselves. I hate that people who are not “funny, strong, beautiful” seem to be shuffled. I hate how tainted my view of people is. Renew my mind. Take captive every thought and make it obedient to You. I’m so excited to study your words. Give me a desire. I’m feeling apathy creep in. Forgive my judgments. Its funny how we’re here to serve and put others interests ahead of ours but we have to fight to be known by speakers, networking, getting our name out there. It just seems to mixed up in my mind. I trust You. I trust You to provide me a job, a community. I trust You have good things for me. But I look at people around me and think we’re not that different and you’re single and all you do is talk about how you are single and want to be married. I don’t want to end up like that just being comfortable and never taking risks. I want everyday to be an adventure to hear God speak and then to act and to see Him working. To see Him weaving lives together and raising people from the dead. I want to believe You and see you act. Everything I do or say I tip-toe in a hesitant dance weighing my motives/others perceptions/my interpretation of the Bible/flighty emotions/my understanding based on past decisions. I’ll never get moving if I do this for every second. Sometimes I think I’m just thinking too much and over-dramatizing/analyzing everything. Maybe that’s the way I am. I’m sick of me. I’m sick of talking about me, thinking of me, and writing of me.

Lets start all over and I’ll spend all my thoughts meditating on Your Word, praying for people, and just believing you and enjoying each moment.

grace grace grace grace grace grace grace grace grace grace grace grace. this is enough. satisfy. this is dumb. why do I think so much or care so much. I was fine without these relationships before so I don’t need to try so hard to manufacture connection. I pray for truth to be spoken. thank you for all that you’ve given me. Apart from you I am nothing.

This past weekend it felt as if the last block of cement on my heart was chiseled off and my heart could freely beat and leap again. It started on Friday when we got back from our trip to Columbus all the girls sat around the table and I started to share my frustrations. I told them that all I could think during testimonies and bible study with Sam Holme was get me out of here. I’ve been so tainted and messed up in my thoughts for so long because of experiences with Christian culture at A&M. I told them that the reason I couldn’t share my testimony was because it reminded me of who I was. How I used to sit for hours in fields behind our house so in love with the Lord. How we would talk for hours and He was so near I could feel him. I miss just believing You and trusting You at your word. Then how I was no longer introduced as just mandi, but as president of phi lamb. How people automatically acted different around me and how much I loved and hated it. How I saw in myself a sick game to make God bend to fit my name,my rep, my vision, my glory. The Lord graciously disciplined me, but I didn’t see it as discipline but punishment. For a year and a half I carried pain, caution, depression,suicidal thoughts. I tried to purge myself of every sin so God would stop hurting me. If I was sinless then I was painless. so I thought. I began to question everything. to question my motives and to judge motives of every move and word of those around me. I was miserable in my criticisms and arrogant judgments. Everything became a fight. Sitting in a bible study was no longer a blessing, but a curse. A constant fight against my mind. You stupid prideful girl, you said that just to be heard. why did they say that? They think they’re so smart, what an arrogant punk. stop it. how do you fight these condemning thoughts.

I cried missing purity. missing innocence and simple ignorance. I miss you Lord. Each girl turned to look at me and spoke truth. Mallory said that hopelessness is not of the Lord and Job in his affliction submitted to the Lord. Lauren G spoke the rest of hosea 2, he will betroth me in righteousness forever. We are not saved, we hope and groan for our salvation, but in everyday we are being saved. He will restore me to intimacy with him. Britt looked at me and said I have to remember the Lord is good. I cried hard and then slept.

Saturday with matt brought freedom.
What if I’m not sure if I want to follow God.
I can just follow Christianity in its social peak and enjoy fellowship and reading the Bible but never have to be obedient and then life will not be hard. We talked about what happened my junior year. I’m so embarrassed even typing this. Why did I start to feel pain. Why did I think I wasn’t excelling. I had a vision and when I didn’t see it fit my vision I accused my brothers, my God and myself. How do you know if the vision is actually from God and what do you do when it gets discouraging. Punishment is final. Discipline leads to recovery. Is your view of God so small that he cannot dictate your failures, your mess ups for his purposes. If you fear not getting it right every time you will be paralyzed. I would rather do something for God and completely mess it up than do nothing and not sin. Holiness isn’t abstaining from all sin but doing righteousness. Home run hall of fame of 1000 , only takes 33% to get into the hall of fame. If God doesn’t save anyone is he still love? Yes. I will never understand this, but I trust what I know. I know the Gospel saves so we preach the gospel. I’ve been wrong for so long.

Talked with Sarah about counseling on Sunday at starbucks. I wonder if I could do that. You work in a church, but not just with church people. I could go to seminary. It pays well and you get to pick you’re hours. She’s a feeler and she can still counsel and not let others’ problems rule her and knows how much she can handle.

I wonder how much we limit the power of God?

I never want to stop dreaming or questioning or wondering if there’s a better way. I never want to mature out of my naivety. I never want to be comfortable.

When will I believe that You’re enough. That I don’t have to worry, but that You will and it is done. Teach me to walk in Your ways. Be in my words. In my actions. I pray over our group that we would truly love each other better. what do you want me to do with your time today?

Sept 25
We woke up did our agilities, sit-ups and things and ran for 20 minutes. I am so sore. We prayed for our leaders with the economic crisis this morning. I prayed for tragedy. I prayed we would be uncomfortable in order that we would seek you in urgency. Thank you for times of struggle and hardship. I realize how destructive my thoughts are and how flighty I am in prayers. Grab hold of my heart. I’m losing you. Forgive my vain thoughts and insecurities that enter my mind and I believe them. We then went to Theology class. I didn’t feel anything. I was so tired. My heart feels hardened. I’ve trained myself to stop caring so I didn’t have to follow You. I remember when I would spend hours studying You crying out for you. Revive me. Give me a desire to seek You. Make my heart care. I don’t want to be held responsible for the knowledge I’m gaining. I fear losing love in gaining knowledge. We ate lunch together and then I threw the football with Haleigh, Chris, and Jimbo for awhile and it was so calming. I learned to catch the ball you have to go direct at it and be strong in catching it at the tip. If you hesitate or fear jammed fingers you will get hurt, but with lots of jammed fingers comes learning how to catch. I paralleled that to life and not fearing failure, but sin boldly and rejoice all the more boldly in You who mightily forgives. You are teaching me always. You are in a game of catch, in a trip to Andys, in silence in the trees. You are near. Help me to see you. We then worked on the covenant and I feel defeated. I mean it’s good, but it seems like we were all just so tired that we wanted to get done. I feel it could be more. It makes me nervous thinking we are scared of challenge and the phrase “well we’d just break it” came up numerous times. I didn’t speak up on the Tyler community. We decided to serve and be a blessing to the community, but for what. Isn’t that what we’ve been talking about with the emerging church. Why do we serve? I mean serving is good, but what if we served and preach the gospel. We are so afraid to speak, to commit because it’s uncomfortable. But how will they hear? I’m tired of beating the same drum. I feel defeated and what’s the point. No one really cares. I don’t know if I even care. Jesus freaking would leave the 16 of us to go and save the one lost sheep. We can’t just stay here. There’s so much joy in speaking the good news of Christ. We’re all called to. When is the last time you shared your faith. Jesus is the most important being in life. The response to him is life and death. So the cashier at Andy’s, she needs to know. The employees of Pic-N-Pac want to know. What if for the next 8 months we served, but we never spoke. I don’t know. I am fading. The passion is fading. But in not speaking I feel as if I’m losing myself. Is this being too loyal to my gifts? But I’m not loyal to evangelism I’m loyal to Christ and this is Christ’s mission on earth and his commission to us. What are we doing. There’s no time. I speak but I’m too tired to act so I stop speaking because who am I to speak when I can’t act every time? I’m a blabbering hypocritical fool.

Have your way in us. Please Lord. Radically change. Put in us a spirit of power, of love and passion. Open our eyes to the dying. I pray you would save those we will interact with at Newk’s, at Andy’s. Show us more. Show us what we’re not seeing. This 8 months could be more. We can’t have community without mission. This could be more. But I know I can’t cast a vision well enough. I can’t manufacture this. Please Lord put in us spirits that ache for those to be saved. My heart feels sick and depleted now. I’m living for myself. To figure my calling, to experience my community.

Take it away. Would you live. Here is my body, here is my mind, my voice do what you will. Whatever you do, I pray you would be glorified. If I stop being of use to you, take me from this earth.