frustration.

oh friends. i am hurting and frustrated.

i'll try to explain. i'll start with my selfish but honest frustrations.

i'm frustrated that i have to work. i don't enjoy being at an office, and i feel humbled, young, and naive each day when i don't know how to do things. i daily dream about other things that i would be more passionate about, yet am humbled and grateful that i actually have a job with some sort of purpose.

i'm jealous of people that are married. i wrestle with God daily about his desires for me. i long to be known in that way.

i feel scattered all over the place, and weeks whiz by because they are filled with stuff. perspectives on tuesday, bible study wednesday, teens for christ (like youth impact) on thursdays now.

i get frustrated when my roommates spend entire nights watching tv, and then get frustrated with myself for not being bold.

i'm frustrated that it's so hard to meet people. and often when there is an opportunity, i'm too tired and lazy to go.

i love perspectives, and my bible study, but i feel like i am learning everything on my own. no one to daily encourage me and even put me in my place.

I really am going in circles. Each day, it takes all that is in me to be obedient to where God has placed me, and go to work with an eager heart. I am constantly wrestling with the Lord and his will and his purpose for me.

Jesus I want to be KNOWN! I have never realized how much my joy depends on people and circumstances, how much i crave and need affirmation. starting over in a new place and with new people is so intimidating.

Jesus thank you, for teaching me so much!! YOU are breaking my heart for your people. YOU are teaching me true humility and grace each day. YOU are drawing me near to you through loneliness and joy.

Give me the courage to fully live in each day, and not cop out by wishing for the former or the future. You have put me here for a REASON. You want me to wrestle and to seek. You know what is better for me.

I've never felt these things. I can't even fully explain it, but I know that there is a daily discontentment that is constantly being fulfilled in you. As I continue to turn my eyes upon you, Jesus, the things of earth ARE growing strangely dim. Things of the world are no longer bringing me joy and fulfillment; you desire to take their place. it hurts, but Lord it is good, and I know you are being faithful to me.

"The Lord is close to those who are brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit." ps 34:18

I rejoice in You alone today.

root